The Many Thoughts of Ms Jaina Solo
by Madame Solo
Summary: Post Swarm War. Jaina is sent to rehab, has to write in a journal. Deals with her feelings about certain people, especially that Chisshearted Colonel. Humor, angst and romance. WIP
1. Journal Entry 1

Title: The Many Thoughts of Ms. Jaina Solo  
Timeframe: Post-Swarm War  
Characters: Jaina, Leia, Jag?  
Genre: Romance/Angst/Little bit o humor  
Keywords: Rehab, Journal, Jaina  
Summary: This is a story inspired partially by the Not Quite Love Letters (by someone on and partially by I, Jaina Solo (Yoda Kenobi) and partially by my own coniving mind. It is post Swarm War, and revolves around the aspect that Jaina Solo is sent to a psychiatrist as part of her treatment after the Killiks incident and has to write a journal.  
Soon she will have to think about certain things and decide upon her actions, all with the helpful use of a journal as an output for her and for the entertainment of you.  
Notes: Work In Progress. Started at fanfiction boards. Updated there more frequently. Link: http/boards. Criticism and Love is greatly appreciated. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, suggestions or wish for a hard copy of the story so far.

Please enjoy

Journal Entry #1

After working with Cilghal to "debugatize" me, I wound up being sent to a psychiatrist. And I mean sent in the most literal sense. My mother actually had my dad and my aunt restrain me, stick me in the back of a hovercraft and take me to the office of the renowned psychiatrist, Shana Mitwanga. Mom says I have some serious issues I need to deal with. I say she should look at some of her own issues first.  
That as it may be, this kriffing psychiatrist is the reason I am writing in here. Well, her actual words were, "I think it would benefit you and your mental psyche to write your thoughts in a diary." I'm not even joking. She said a diary. This woman is being paid who knows how much and her advice is to write in a diary.  
I quite seriously considered ignoring this "insightful" advice, but go figure she told my mother. And since I'm being forced to stay in my parent's house until I recover, Mom says I can either write in a journal about my feelings or talk to her about them. You can imagine why I chose the journal. Being forced to talk to one snoopy lady is enough, thank you.  
Well, seeing as I've done my duty, and also that it is late, I'm going to go to bed, aka: stare at the ceiling and think about all the problems in my life.

-Jaina Solo out


	2. Journal Entry 2

Journal Entry #2

Today's session was not what I would describe as "fruitful." It has always been my understanding that psychiatrists are supposed to let the patients do the talking, not the other way around. But apparently Dr. Mitwanga just loves the sound of her own nasally voice. A few words into my answers of her questions she would interrupt and go on to recite a lengthy explanation of what my answer could mean, or how maybe it has to do with relationship problems with my mother, or that perhaps it is an insight from the force. At the end of these spiels, she would ask another question, hence repeating the process all over again.  
In a vain attempt to actually heal my psyche, I am going to answer a few of her more sensible questions in here, with the hope that I might come to some conclusions.

Question one: Tell me about your relationship with your parents.

I never actually knew that psychiatrists really asked this question, but here it goes. It is hard to categorize my relationship with my parents as one thing, seeing as it differs greatly depending on the parent in question. My father-daughter relationship is probably the best to start with.  
Although many people call me "Daddy's Girl," I don't think they realize exactly how much of a block there is between us. Sure, I take after him in many ways, but that doesn't mean we're very emotionally connected. Even when I want to tell him things, confide in him, I find that I can't. It isn't that I distrust him or don't love him, I simply realize that most of the things I go through he couldn't possibly understand.  
Jag for instance. How could I ever talk to him about how I was unsure about the level of commitment I wanted to give to that relationship, or how I was afraid that I would have to choose between Jag and my family? See, there are just some things I could never tell my father. And that is why there is such a gap. We are both unwilling to fill it, both too afraid of what we might find. We are both afraid that we might let the other person down. And that, in essence, sums up the relationship I share with my father.

My mother now, she is a completely different story. Our fights are notoriously over exaggerated. Sure, we have our quips, and they might happen more often then some peoples, but we still love and respect each other. Even though there are some issues we disagree on, she has always been my advocate concerning men.  
I think one of the main reasons Jag isn't dead or castrated is the fact that my mom held back Dad. And whenever there are breakups or fights, she's always there to wipe away my tears.  
Maybe she's a little disappointed that I don't take after her except in the looks department, but she never shows it. The only time she ever acts disappointed is when she's justified, when I do something stupid. Take the whole Killiks ruckus for example. The way I treated everyone was horrible, and I'm glad my mother called me out on it.  
Basically Mom and I have a weird relationship, but not one that's utterly terrible. Not one as bad as everyone thinks.

-Jaina Solo out.


	3. Journal Entry 3

Journal Entry #3

Surprisingly, today's session wasn't a complete bore. First off I'd like to say that I was generally surprised, because Dr. Mitwanga hasn't asked me the question that almost every stranger or admirer I come across asks: What's it like to be the daughter of the galaxy's heroes, the granddaughter of the feared Darth Vader and the niece of a Jedi Master? In fact, what's it like having almost every single person you know be famous? So even though she hasn't asked this question, I'm going to give a short answer anyway.

Imagine if every person you knew and loved was adored by the entire galaxy. Would that change how you feel about them? Would you love them any more or any less? Cause really, in the long run, all these heroes are just people, and they have the same qualities to hate and love as everyone does. So what's it like when your entire family is famous? They're still your family. It's just a little odd when the Holonet makes movies out of your life as well as the lives of your family and friends.

The second reason today's session wasn't a complete waste, besides the fact I actually got to speak a few sentences, is because we discussed my brothers. For the first time in my life it felt like someone understood how I felt. And having Dr. Mitwanga tell me that these feelings were normal made ime/i feel a lot less crazy, so here's the first question.

Question two: Describe your present relationship with your twin brother.

The only way I can answer that question is by looking back. What makes me the saddest, what makes me wonder what has happened to my brother, is when I look back and see how happy he was, and how close we were to each other. But now… what is he? I mean really, what has he become? He scares me so much sometimes, how easily he can lie or how he does just… plain ol' bad things, all in the name of "the will of the Force."

Who is he to know what the Force wants? What makes him so kriffing special? It always seems as if he and Anakin are the "all powerful" ones, the great Jedi. Who's to say I can't hear the "will of the Force" just as well as he can? Okay, sure, the Killiks incident wasn't the best judgment of… well, my judgment, but can't a girl make a few mistakes? I don't know, it just seems as if my brothers always get the recognition.

Besides, it's not only that, Jacen is just so… so powerful. And not only does he have the power, but he uses it. It's incredibly scary, and I really do worry for his and our safety. On that happy thought, let's look at the next question.

Question three: And what about your deceased brother, Anakin?

Anakin… what do I feel about him anymore? It's not to say that I don't miss him; nor is it that I don't still mourn his death. But… it's such an old wound. It really only bothers me every once and while. Sometimes I feel bad that I'm not dwelling on him anymore, but then I figure that's not what he would want. But the feelings that I'm really ashamed of are the feelings of jealousy.

Don't get me wrong, it's not as if Anakin wasn't a great Jedi and a great person. But does he really deserve all of the recognition he gets? Was he really that wonderful and I just can't remember? I'm not sure anymore. I find it hard to untangle the adorations of other people from my own memories. I remember him as a person, with his mistakes and with his adorable moments. But most of all I remember him as my little brother who always wanted to do what I was doing.

How can a little brother, who had general qualities that were similar to mine, as well as who tried to be like me, be looked up to more then me? I have resolved myself to the fact that dying immortalizes a person, even if they don't deserve as much recognition as they get. And even though it kills me to be jealous, I have come to realize that this is how a lot of people with dead siblings feel, or so says Dr. Mitwanga. So I suppose I won't beat myself up about it anymore.

-Jaina Solo out


	4. Journal Entry 4

Journal Entry #4

You know, it always boils down to this, with Dr. Mitwanga, with the Holonet, heck, even with my own family. It always comes to the love interests in my life. What, am I not capable of having anything else interesting in my life because I'm a female? Sure, the relationships I have affect me, but they don't control me. Nonetheless, that is what good ole Doc brought up today. Actually, she was sort of cute in an old lady sort of way. Here's what she asked me, word for word:

"Now Jaina, I don't want you to think that I'm just snooping because of what I've heard on the Holonet, I really do want to know for the sake of your mental state. What is the whole Zekk craze about? And those rumors about that Kyp Durron fellow and you during the war? Or that fine Jagged boy with the tight little butt, what happened with that relationship?" And it just got worse from there. Understandably I was a little stunned, I mean, who knew my ipsychiatrist/i would think that Jag has a great butt? He does of course, but that just isn't the point.

When it finally came time to answer her questions, I really did try. Honest. I didn't start yelling about how that's all the universe ever cares about until, oh, about three minutes into my answer. But after I did start groaning and moaning about that, Dr. Mitwanga offered me some rare insightful words.

"Jaina dear, it's not as if people don't admire all of the other qualities you have. For heaven's sake, there must be at least three movies made about you and flying for Rogue Squadron, and more then ten about Twin Suns. And then there's the whole Jedi obsession. One of my neighbors, a little girl, built a pretend purple lightsaber a few years ago saying she wanted to be a Jedi just like you. But Honey, what people are going to be most interested in, as gossipy as we are, is how you've managed to have three famous hunks mooning over you for years and yet still be single. You're still an independent woman, and it's amazing. We just want to know if you're like us at all, if you ever get lonely and yearn to be loved. That's really the root of it; we want to know if Jaina Solo is ireal./i"

I sat stunned for a minute or two. Never have I heard anything that explained so much in so little time. I have always wondered about people's obsessions with my love life, and it finally made some sense. And right then and there in front of grey-haired, thin-lipped Dr. Mitwanga, I broke down. I told her that of course I got lonely, and that I of course wanted to be loved and appreciated sometimes. I told her how I got so confused with Zekk and Jag, not to mention Kyp in the background of it all. It was so baffling, and it always has been.

Kyp…well, he's Kyp. I had a little teeny tiny crush on him for like, a day, and all of a sudden he starts eyeing me funny. Which is really creepy if you think about it, because he knew me when I was in diapers! And I had a crush on him. But then he started giving me the look, the guy look, and that's when I got seriously weirded out. But we've gotten over all of that now, he's more of a… a mentor now. Seriously. Nothing romantic. At all.

And Zekk… I've never really loved Zekk. I had a crush on him as a girl, but it was a silly infatuation. But after you've realized this and come to terms with it, it is so hard to have him come and pour out all this affection onto you. I didn't want it. I've never wanted it. Okay, so I used to want it, but for the past 15 years I haven't. And he just keeps pouring it on. Come on now, leave me alone already! And then I got mind-melded to him for awhile, and that was just a mess. But there were a lot of factors then, and I was so heavily influenced by the Killiks. I regret so much with him.

But the man I regret the most with, the man I probably should have married… was Mr. Jagged Fel. Never again have I felt like I did when I was with him. I can't believe I gave him up, and now I probably ruined any possibility of getting back together after I told him I still loved him and then tried to shoot him down. Not to mention he most likely thinks I've got my face melded to Zekks along with my mind, as most of the galaxy does. If he's alive even. We never did find out for sure. But I always assumed that I would have felt if he had died, we were so close… but maybe I didn't. I've been so confused lately, and it was in the middle of the Killiks confusion... maybe I can't feel him anymore. No, of course not, I would have felt it if he'd died. Right?

-Jaina Solo out.


	5. Journal Entry 5

Journal Entry #5

So, quite honestly I'm getting rather bored of the question and answer pattern in this journal . It was nice at first, when that's what I did with Dr. Mitwanga, but now we just really talk about my everyday experiences. The "How are you feeling today?" or "Have you talked to anyone you've had problems with recently?" are the normal conversations we have now, not the "Tell me about your life." Now I am going to focus on recording my present instead of the dwelling in the past or hoping for possible futures No more of this delving into my past, but rather, scrutinizing my present and possible futures.

I must admit, I did something rather stupid today. Since my last journal entry, I haven't been able to stop thinking about Jag. Is he alive? Is he happy, has he moved on, does he still love me? Or kriff, do I even love him still? I really want some answers, not only from my own mind, but also his. So I decided to call him. Or rather, I decided to dial the number he had given me before leaving after the war, the one to call him at when he was on military leave at Csilla. Every other time he had his military comm on him, but when he was home he did not. So while we were still somewhat hot and heavy, he had given me his phone number.

I knew that his military comm would have changed by now, so I decided to call his home. Again, stupid idea Jaina, stupid. What, did I really expect him to pick up and fall in love with me all over again? But no, rather then the quietly stern and beauteously bottomed Jagged Fel answering my call, I got the old and irritable Soontir Fel.  
And what a nightmare. That's just what you really want to happen when you call an ex-boyfriend, have his Imperial father interrogate you when you just want to see if your old flame is okay and apologize to him. Even though the conversation was rather hostile, it did provide some essential information. For purposes of recollection, this conversation has been recorded into here, along with some of my own comments.

Soontir: (All the while scowling and trying to be intimidating) Who's calling and what's your intention?

I could tell that he knew I looked familiar, but I know he hadn't identified me yet

Me: Hello…Sir. This is Jaina Solo. I was wondering…I was wondering if your son Jagged was available to talk.

Soontir: (A look of unpleasant surprise) How did you get this number?

Me: Jagged gave it to me a long time ago. Please sir, I just want to make sure he's okay. We never heard whether or not he survived the- 

Soontir: Yes, he survived the crash after he was shot down by your mother, something that never would have happened if you hadn't started that whole Killiks catastrophe.

Thanks, it's not like I don't already feel bad enough.

Me: I'm glad he's alright, sir. Is he there?

Soontir: No, he is not here at the moment, and even if he was, he wouldn't be willing to talk to you. 

Me: (For once in my life, pleading) Please, will you tell him that I called? I would really appreciate being able to talk to him. Please.

Soontir: No, I will not tell him you called. That foolish boy, he'd probably be stupid enough to call you back! He doesn't need to be tempted by anymore pretty-faced…scruffy rebel… vixens like you, not when he's finally set himself on a good track. Don't call again.

And then he hung up on me.

… 

I can't believe he called me scruffy.

-Jaina Solo out


	6. Journal Entry 6

Journal Entry #6

As you might imagine, I was enraged. How dare he replace me! Me, the one who had supposedly "captured his heart." The one he was supposed to love. I couldn't believe the words I had heard, and until I took a walk, I never really came to the right perspective.

But on that walk I ran into one of the people I would have rather avoided, especially at that time. I ran into Zekk, pouting lip and all. But of course when he saw me, he smiled as big as a child would when given a new toy. I had to control myself from running in the other direction. I did not want to talk him.

And talk about awkward. "Hi Jaina, how are you feeling?"

"I'm alright Zekk…has Cilghal helped you at all?"

Then he winked in the most disturbing way and said, "Well, she's trying and I'm pretending, but really I'm still holding on. I could never lose the Killiks connection, they're my family. But most importantly, I couldn't give up my connection to you. That's why I came looking for you. A few moments ago I felt that you were very distressed and angry."

I froze. I never thought that he would still be connected to me, after all, I had severed my part of the connection. I told him as much, but his reply did not ease my mind. "Which is something I've been meaning to ask you, why are you blocking me out? I thought we were partners, connected, forever." And from that I heard his true meaning. He was obsessive. He wanted to hold onto me in any way he could. "Connected forever" sounds too much like "Till death do us part."

I just stared at him in horror. He asked me what was wrong, and instead of running the other direction like I should have, I decided to dignify him with a response. "Zekk, we can't do this anymore. I don't i want /i to be connected to you. That's why I severed the connection."

His face turned red, and I honestly thought he was going to attack me. But slowly his scowl faded. "You're still in love with that Chiss dog, aren't you? I should have known. That's the only reason you would reject me. But I'll win you back, I always do." He left. He may have been right, I was still in love with Jag, but that is DEFINITLY not why I rejected him. His obsession was unnerving, unhealthy and most importantly…unjedi. And while he might have felt he had stolen me from Jag, he was wrong. It was the Killiks who had done that.

And it dawned on me. The entire galaxy thought that Zekk and I were an item, so why wouldn't Jag? Is that why he had a girlfriend? This seemed to be the only logical answer to me, but I required another opinion. And since I couldn't ask him personally and my only girl friend, Tahiri, was away on Dagobah, I only had one person to turn to. My mother.

-Jaina Solo out


End file.
